Monday, February 27, 2012

I didn't even want a damn dog

I was looking for something to do. Something productive. Something not home alone. I was studying to be a personal trainer, writing a* novel, and spending all my time holed up with...myself. It wasn't pretty.

So, I decided to go walk dogs at the animal shelter.

When I got there it was...overwhelming. The sound of terrified dogs baying against their fear and loneliness echoed off the walls. Shit and piss and vomit and kibble. It was too much for me. It was way too much for the shivering black spotted pup.

According to the sign on the front of the kennel, she was a "lab mix". I learned in the months to come that it was shelter policy to automatically euthanize "Pit Bulls". Many Am Staffs** that were deemed adoptable were mislabeled to save their lives.

She was 3 months, black and white with a small scar on her right flank that I never got an explanation for but utterly broke my heart. She was bashful and sweet and desperate for quiet and love.

I resisted her. She was already supposed to have a home. I was just helping to get her read for that forever family. The background check for the family fell through. I filled out the form.

She was perfect. The kind of dog that was happy to get ice cubes and would sit with said cube balanced on the top of her nose...patiently waiting for permission to take it. We were inseparable. She was...perfect.

Two years was all I got. Addison's Disease wasted her quickly and when her suffering got to be too much I made the decision to put her down.

She was the best, most heart breaking choice I'd ever made.

*This bit-o-sharing is part of the I <3 Rescue Dogs blog fest. Go support all the other blogs involved!*


Matty said...

Hi there, it’s matt from twitter. Here are the thoughts I promised.

I think the attraction of voyeurism is not necessarily in the sexual act itself, if it were we would simply be happy watching porn. I think the attraction lies in the reactions of the individuals having sex. To clarify; what I enjoy watching is not people having sex but people enjoying sex. I remember when I was in college; my sex life was appalling, partly because I really didn’t enjoy it that much. I shared a house with this girl who had a very active sex life indeed. Occasionally she’d bring it home with her and I’d get to enjoy the show (I had the room next door). This one guy she brought back was apparently extremely talented, and from the get go it was clear that she was in raptures of pleasure. Not simply orgasm, but the anticipation of him touching her resulting in gasps and squeals of delight. This was sex at its best for both parties, it went on for hours, and I can tell you I have NEVER been so turned on, before or since (and I couldn’t see a thing, it was all audio). When watching people fuck, it is not what they are doing, but their reaction to it. When watching amateur porn (which I do a lot, I don’t know about you) it is often quite dull, particularly if both parties are aware of the camera (does that sound wrong?). Although you still often get to the point when both parties will get so absorbed in what’s happening to them, so overtaken by the sensation engulfing their bodies, that they forget themselves. Their limbs flail around; they hold their breath and then scream and roar with complete abandon. This is the moment, I think, that voyeurs live for.
Why another question, but here’s my theory. When you’re having sex, it can never live up to this picture for you. Even if you can inspire this reaction in others, what happens to you is never quite as good. Even if you’re masturbating to it, you’re orgasm can only be disappointing. It is the experience of others ecstasy, the anticipation of that moment and the intense feeling of being so turned on that we live for.

Anyway, that’s my two pence (or cents) worth. Hope it’s useful. Not sure how else to explain it except to provide some links to some vids I find encapsulate this nicely, which I will if you want.

lexcade said...

This post made me cry. Even though you had her for 2 years, they were 2 years filled with love and joy and happiness. She knew she had someone who loved her, and that's the greatest gift you can give anyone.